And then there is emotional pain that has nothing whatsoever to do with physical pain. It’s a not a slap or a bruise to the body, it’s a wound to the mind and spirit.  One that if often kept secret. The anguish of this kind of emotional pain is debilitating, in fact, it is often more damaging to your spirit than is physical pain.

 One way to begin to heal from emotional pain is to “write through” it. Writing is one of the most cathartic actions you can take to regain your zeal for life and free yourself as you move toward health. You can find hundreds of books and articles on the healing power of writing memoir. Google searches work, too.

The weight of emotional pain makes the journey through life more difficult than it has to be for many people. It takes strength and courage to look deeply at those events and the individuals who caused you pain – pain that lingers today. But it is within your power to work it through.

Writing memoir, even if no one else ever reads it, can be your way to release the painful thoughts and images that keep you captive. Then, if and when you deem it appropriate, sharing your work with people you trust (friends, family members, and professionals) will bring further relief on the path to wholeness. When you trust others with your “secret,” you are no longer alone with the pain; it’s out in the open. Trust is the operative word here – communicate only with trustworthy individuals.

Emotional pain is filled with complex feelings ranging from loathing and disgust for the perpetrator to personal feelings of shame and humiliation. These distressing feelings are mitigated when you feel other people’s empathy and understanding towards you, or when they relate similar experiences, and perhaps even how they came to grips with it. I know from my work with people writing memoir, writing is a powerful avenue to take.

 Begin by writing a short piece, a bio-vignette, and go from there to get it all out. It is in your hands – write now.

Fascinating and heartbreaking are the first two words that come to mind after reading Ann Seymour’s beautiful tribute to her family, especially her father, as well as all those who served in WW2.

Seymour writes achingly beautiful prose as she gives us a view of WW2 through the eyes of an enchanting, gregarious child, who doesn’t understand why Daddy has gone to war and will never return. But the well woven story goes beyond the eyes and ears of a loving daughter. I’ve Always Loved You moves between the diaries and journals her parents kept and the actual documented words of the power brokers of Imperial Japan in such a way as to give anyone a more fully rounded picture of WW2, which is an accomplishment worthy of applause.

“Only an ephemeral wall separates the past from the present,” was observed by Seymour’s father when on the battlefield he awoke from a dream of being with his wife to the utter amazement that she wasn’t by his side – he was alone.

Pick up this book, read it, and better understand WW2 through a remarkable mix of memoir and facts.

I also published this review on Amazon where you can purchase Ann Seymour’s I’ve Always Loved You, if you’re not near an Indy book store like Book Passage.

Gentle Reminder: Do something great today. Pick up a pencil or belly-up to the keyboard and write your Mother Memoir like all TellTale Souls. Doing so may be the beginning of your book length project on family history.

When was the last time you thought about the day your mother slapped your face? I remember when my very non-violent mother slapped mine, although I haven’t thought about that incident for years. It only came to mind as I was writing this article. I now assume she must have thought she had a darn good reason for that slap. It has stayed in my memory bank for more years than I’d like to count. Upon looking back, I no longer remember why her fingers flashed to burn my cheek as we were standing in our kitchen on a rainy evening way back when. It’s strange how I can remember the scene, but not what I did to provoke her to that degree. My best guess would be that I swore. And I ask myself was I more hurt or embarrassed, and why?

I imagine on that evening, I hated her for slapping me. But time has turned my feelings around, as is often the case. Granted, a slap is not a major event in the grand scheme of things, but as an example it works to illustrate how feelings of hatred can be exchanged for feelings of understanding over time. I’ve come to realize that slap hurt my mother more than it did me, and it was probably the jolt of reminder I needed to show her the respect she deserved.

Time heals because of the distance we travel over the years away from hurtful happenings. We gain perspective from experiences we collect along the way, providing opportunities to assess matters in less self-centered ways. Taking the time to reflect on why we think we were “wronged,” leads the way to forgiveness, allowing us to heal the pain and anger.  I learned another lesson, too, for on the couple of occasions, as an adult, when I felt the urge to slap someone’s face, I didn’t know what, but something held me back – I’m thinking now, that what kept me from striking out was not a what but a who.

Take the time to write about a negative incident you had with your mother. Stand in her shoes as you rethink the event. Look at her as an individual, look deeply to find her true character, and look at your role in what caused the pain and anger now that you’re older and wiser. This exercise is not meant to excuse bad behavior on either side, but to gain understanding. No matter what the outcome of writing through an unpleasant memory, remember time is on your side – it is in your power to let go and set yourself free.

THE STORY WOMAN ASKS YOU TO WRITE A SHORT, TRUE MEMOIR ABOUT YOUR MOTHER OR ANOTHER SIGNIFICANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE.

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Time is a great leveler. Time levels because it allows us to gain control over our emotions and we mature. Our feelings simmer down after time dilutes the memory of an emotion laden incident. An event we once thought was earth-shattering won’t hold as much power the further we move away from it.

Do you remember how horrified you were when your mother walked into your junior high classroom in “that outfit?” You were embarrassed down to your shiny little magenta toe nails. You wanted to disappear, crawl under your desk – definitely wanted to have nothing to do with that ridiculous looking woman who says she’s your mother. Now you’re older and wiser; you laugh as you remember that incident with fondness and a touch of lingering OMG. You realize she was only there to deliver your costume – the one she’d stayed up all night sewing for you so you’d be ready for dress rehearsal after school.

And now this memory brings to mind her skill as a seamstress. She may have been very good at stitching or you may remember that one shelve of that costume was three inches longer than the other. Either way, you’ll weave this part of your mother’s character into a bio-vignette or longer memoir. Your view today, of both your mother and the event, will be markedly different from that day long ago when she walked into your classroom wearing that “how could you come to my school dressed like that” with your leading-lady dress over her arm.

THE STORY WOMAN ASKS YOU TO WRITE A SHORT, TRUE MEMOIR ABOUT YOUR MOTHER OR ANOTHER SIGNIFICANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE.

This is today’s reminder for all of us who write memoir – or don’t write, for that matter. To take this one step further, even after we’ve back away to get a better view of the events or experiences we’re writing about, the way in which we remember them will also differ greatly from the way someone else “clearly” remembers these same incidents. 

Listen to what others say, if it’s important to you to do so. Their reflections could nudge additional memories out into your consciousness. But realize that what you see clearly is your truth, at least for today, and rely on that without second guessing.

More short tips and thoughts to come…

THE STORY WOMAN ASKS YOU TO WRITE A SHORT, TRUE MEMOIR ABOUT YOUR MOTHER OR ANOTHER SIGNIFICANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE.

The conference was atop Nob Hill at the historic Mark Hopkins Hotel. Just a block away, draped in morning fog and by afternoon crowned by the brilliance of azure skies, stood magnificent Grace Cathedral, where I walked the famous labyrinth each day to get some air and quiet time for thoughtful reflection.

The conference menu boasted several memoir sessions. I was lucky enough to attend two of them: “Capturing your Life on the Page – Writing Memoirs that Sell” with Adair Lara, author of Naked, Drunk, and Writing; and “Doing an Anthology” with Victoria Zackheim, author of The Face in the Mirror. Both sessions were outstanding – full of tips and ideas from both bestselling authors.

More observations on writing memoir to come in the next day or two. In the meantime, The Story Woman reminds you to write Mother Memoir as only you can do it!

SAN FRANCISCO WRITERS CONFERENCE ADDS A PRECONFERENCE DAY WITH IN-DEPTH FULL & HALF-DAY SESSIONS ON FEB. 11^TH, 2010

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Small Classes, In-depth Topics Taught by Top-Rated Presenters Allows Writers to Learn Even More at One of the Country’s Best Writers Conference!

    If you want to start attending the SFWC a day early (or for those who can’t attend the full 3-day main conference), the San Francisco Writers Conference has launched a full day of sessions on the day BEFORE the conference officially starts. “Several of our most popular presenters have agreed to launch the San Francisco Writers University with special SFWC PRECONFERENCE sessions on Thursday, February 11^th,” said Elizabeth Pomada, SFWC Co-Director. For details and online registration: www.SFWriters.org

    What is different about THESE sessions? They are intimate…about 25 people getting to interact with the presenter for more project-specific help. These sessions will be in-depth—full day or half-day in length. As you can see below, the preconference day will feature a wide range of the most popular topics from the San Francisco Writers Conference.

    The preconference sessions are open to the public. They are stand-alone sessions and attendees can chose one or more depending on their schedules, budgets and interest. Attendance at the Main Conference is not required.

 DONALD MAASS—Imagine a FULL DAY with this top New York literary agent as he conducts this intensive session on “WRITING THE BREAKOUT NOVEL”.  Much more personalized attention than any other session Donald gives.  Full day session

SHELDON SIEGEL & ROBERT DUGONI will be “PUTTING THE THRILL IN THRILLER WRITING” during their session. Two (yes, TWO!) N.Y.Times bestselling authors show you how it’s done…so you can do it, too!         Half Day- Afternoon. 

KATHARINE SANDS—One of our most popular sessions…ever…“PITCHCRAFT!”  You MUST know how to pitch your book in order to get it sold. Katharine is the one to get you and your book pitch-perfect. Half Day- Afternoon.

STEPHANIE CHANDLER—knows all about using all the online tools available to writers, so learn from the master. “CREATING YOUR ONLINE PLATFORM”. Half Day-Afternoon.

LISA RECTOR MAASS conducts this intensive session–”THE 3RD DRAFT—Giving Your Novel that Last, Final Polish, after You Think It’s Finished”.Lisa will work with you to give your manuscript clarity and make it irresistible. It’s just what you needed!  Half Day Morning.

JULIE SALISBURY, founder of Inspire-A-Book will conduct “DRESSING YOUR BOOK FOR SUCCESS: How to Make Your Nonfiction Book Unique”. Julie will share proven techniques and lots of feedback on your project.  Half Day Morning.

MICHAEL LARSEN—He wrote the bible for nonfiction writers—“HOW TO WRITE A BOOK PROPOSAL”. He knows what it takes to present your book project and this session will help you finally get that proposal written.  Half Day-Morning.

    A ‘Full Day’ Registration fee is $300.00 and a ‘Half Day’ Session Registration is $149.00. Morning sessions run from 9AM until Noon. Afternoon sessions run from 1PM until 4PM. Lunch is not included. All 2010 San Francisco Writers Conference attendees get to deduct $50 from their Preconference Registration total.  For more details on these sessions or the San Francisco Writers Conference, go to www.SFWriters.org.

While deeply serious about the craft of writing creative narrative for fiction and nonfiction, I’d have to say Roberts is an entertainer in disguise. His compelling tips, “From Silk Thread to Steel Cable,” were comprised of seven points – well, as he went along, he added another, so now there were eight – points he said he wished he’d learned before he discovered them for himself throughout years of writing. I’m sure he has a few more up his sleeve, and on Sunday he had an audience glued to his every word, anxious to hear any number of tips he took the time to graciously give his fellow writers – the crowd was enthralled.

I’m thinking perhaps he was trying this stuff out on us for our reaction prior to proposing a book on what he deems the narrative process. If he’s not planning to write such a book, he should. We’d all have bought it yesterday. Did I mention Roberts is a very clever fellow? Tricky even? And definitely handsome.

Next came the tricky part for me in trying to give you a taste of what I took away from his brilliant talk. He started off with a bang telling us, “Get over yourself. Don’t over write your prose.” Great reminder…”Get over myself” sticky note already up.

The following writing tips are my brief takes on a few of Roberts’ points. I am looking at them in relationship to the character grabbing, short memoirs that I encourage people to write. These true tales capture the character and spirit of people significant in their lives and often serve as the writers’ building blocks to longer works.

1.   “Cast your characters” by literally giving each character a role in your story. It is your job to see that your characters do something, rather than merely mentioning them. Ask yourself questions about each one of them: Why is this person in my story? Is this guy important to the story? Does the story work better without an appearance from this woman? If you think certain characters are not worth giving an active role, or if they seem to get in the way of the narrative, get rid of them.  Everyone needs a reason for being, right? Well, give them that reason for being, or out they go.

Each character, however, doesn’t need a balanced role – use or manipulate a character for a desired effect, and don’t make excuses for him. For example, you mention your dad in a story you’re writing about your mother. For the story to make sense, you need to depict him as a jerk, which is only one aspect of his character. Since this story isn’t about him, it’s not necessary or appropriate to show the reader his good side.

Roberts goes on to say, “You can clash with your characters if need be,” and “Don’t be too enamored of a character.” The resulting tension from a clash will give your work a desirable edge.  And if you’re overly absorbed in one of your characters, you leave little to the readers’ imagination. Mystery will give your audience the opportunity to read something into the characters – to see them as similar to people they know, including themselves. Moreover, when you don’t fully clothe your characters, they carry a universal appeal, which is what you need to achieve, if you want to be widely read.

2.  If it’s readers you want, remember “Readers are selfish,” so you have to give them what they need. Connection. They must feel a link or a tie between themselves and the characters when they read your story or they will simply close the book or turn off the screen, discarding the work that’s been your driving passion. So decide what you want your readers to feel before you write.

This sounds simple, but I know from my experience holding “Give the Gift of Story” workshops that many people, when they begin to write a story,  have no idea what they want others to feel. And has the idea about “how to touch others” occurred to them prior to starting their writing process? Perhaps not, since they often say they don’t even know what or how they, themselves, feel until the words start to flow. So, from here on out, I’ll put the horse before the cart and ask writers to spend time on what they want their readers to feel and what devices they can use to bring about that desired effect .

3.  “The past is a foreign country.” Capture the Zeitgeist. To successfully write creative narrative, your story must ring true with the spirit of the time in which the story takes place. In order to do this, you need to look at each place and period of time as having a personality uniquely its own. The Zeitgeist will have enormously influenced the hearts and minds and actions of your characters. Write this flavor of the times into your story to add depth and color, but also as a frame of reference as your readers get comfortable with your casts of characters.

Roberts reminded us, “You’re always writing about time.” On that note, I’ll stop now at a time and place where I know it’s up to us as writers to hone our craft with a spirit that craves more.

Thank you, Jason Roberts, for allowing me to share with my readers a bit of what I gleaned from your talk, even though you didn’t know what I was going to write. That’s trust, and I hope I have given them a connection to you, and that my rendition of and elaboration on a few of your points didn’t completely warp your intended meaning.

Links:

Jason Roberts, A Sense of the World. This book is now on my short list!

Tanya Egan Gibson, How to Buy a Love of Reading. You can also click here to read my review.

Now write like you’ve never written before as you capture the character and spirit of your mother or another significant person in your life. So they will always be remembered, write a bio-vignette and become a TellTale Soul.

“Lynn, what a wonderful GIFT you’re giving writers! I loved your book, and your workshops are terrific!

Lynn Cook Henriksen’s Give the Gift of Story: TellTale Souls’ Essential Guide to Tap Memory & Write Memoir in Five Acts provides a fresh approach to crafting engaging memoirs about significant people in our lives. Writers of any caliber will find this gem of a book useful.

Practical advice abounds as Henriksen shows you how to “Think and plan before you write,” when to employ literary devices, and innovative scene-building techniques. Then she goes deeper with the clarity that not all memories are smooth sailing, “When we stir memories, we will find some lumps . . . let’s examine them . . . as we continue on our journeys.”

Enticing story examples and a helpful glossary make Give the Gift of Story the perfect memoir-writing kit.”

Review by Teresa LeYung Ryan, writing-career-coach and author

The Story Woman asks you to write short, true tales about  significant people in your life to keep their character and spirit alive for future generations. This isn’t a monumental task, simply write a bio-vignette of 800-1500 words that makes the person you’re writing about come alive on the page.

Give the Gift of Story available here: You can do it!  Capture it… Write it… Connect it…

As you’re reading Invisible Mother, think about your mother, as well as yourself. Was she invisible – is she still? Or do you see her as individual? Write a mother-memoir that captures her character and spirit to let her know you “see” her.

“It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ Obviously, not.

No one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude – but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going; she’s going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England.

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe…I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam; He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.’ And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees’ I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.’

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘you’re going to love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.” Anonymous

The Story Woman asks you to become a TellTale Soul by writing a short, true tale that captures the character and spirit of your mother or another significant person in your life.

I’d love to read your story. The best way to send it to me is via email: lynn(at)telltalesouls(dot)com. Replace (at)  with @ and (dot) with the usual .com.