Archive for July, 2009

With The Story Woman™  method you will begin to discover your mother’s character & spirit.

Could it be that you don’t even like your mother? Ouch! Or maybe she’s so special to you and you love her so much that you can’t bring yourself to see her as someone distinct in her own right – someone separate from you. Have you ever taken the time to look at who your mother is at her core? Perhaps you don’t want to look…too scary, too sad, too poignant, too intimate?

What were Mom’s hopes and dreams? She had them you know, and she still does, if she’s alive and well. But have you ever stopped to see her as an individual in her own right? And really, that’s not something we’re taught to do, so don’t feel badly if you haven’t; but now that you’ve got this idea in your head, why not do something about it?

Once upon a time your mother was a newborn baby, then someone’s little girl, and a few years later a young woman with ideas and desires all her own. She had her whole adult life ahead of her and so many, many things to look forward to. As time went on, your mother became your mother, and that may be where you are stuck. She became just Mom or Mama or Mother, and she probably loved that role more than anything. In fact, as many mothers do, she may have given up a lot of herself for you.

I remember in a college psychology course, the professor asked us class members to look at ourselves in different stages of our lives. We were to visualize the baby we once were and take that baby into our hearts and give it love and understanding. And so on throughout the various stages of our lives. This was a good exercise – most of us learned more about ourselves, some gained compassion for themselves, and others began a healing process.

Try this exercise in a conscious effort to see your mother as she is at her core. Pull her into your heart as you visualize her as a young mother, for example.  Meditate on this image of her for a few minutes while you bring in bits and pieces of the family stories you’ve heard over the years to connect with this new image you’ve made room for in your heart. This is a very good first step to begin to look at her as an individual. You may be surprised by what you see. You will gain empathy and understanding. And this will be the impetus you need to answer the provocative question I invariably ask people to answer, “If you could tell just one small story that would capture your mother’s character and keep her spirit alive, what would it be?”

 Lynn Henriksen inspires you to write your bio-vignette about your mother using The Story Woman™ method.

The following article was sent to me by a woman who wrote one of the “mother memoirs” in my book, TellTale Souls: Daughters Keeping Spirits Alive One Story at a Time. She said she believed she got her common sense from her mother.  I agree, so did I. But some beg to differ. What about you?

The Death of Common Sense
© Lori Borgman | Sunday, March 15, 1998

Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. His obituary reads as follows: Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape. Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and hollering.

Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no power over C.S. A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet.

C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little fiber and orange juice).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the Technological Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry cultural and educational trends including disco, the men’s movement, body piercing, whole language and new math. C.S.’s health began declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with the If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus.

In the following decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and regulations and an oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received better treatment than victims and judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf.

His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmates, a teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope mouthwash after lunch, girls suspended for possessing Midol and an honor student expelled for having a table knife in her school lunch were more than his heart could endure.

As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets and mandatory air bags. Finally, upon hearing about a government plan to ban inhalers from 14 million asthmatics due to a trace of a pollutant that may be harmful to the environment, C.S. breathed his last.

Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.

Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational Thought. Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace.

A note from Lori Borgman: This piece was first published March 15, 1998 in the Indianapolis Star. It has since been published in newspapers and magazines around the world and is a favorite of radio talk show hosts. This month, a Yoga magazine in Spain, a high school in Idaho, a writer in Ireland and retired teacher in Australia (among a slew of others) have asked to reprint it.

The column is somehow more relevant today than when I wrote it 11 years ago. It is circulated widely on the Internet, often “edited’ and “adapted” and sent to me several times a year. Imagine my surprise to see it attributed to some guy named Anonymous.

On the left is the original column in its entirety. If you’d like permission to reprint it, e-mail me at lori@loriborgman.com. I received her permission to post the article on The Story Woman blog.

A fun exercise is to list some of the common sense principles or ideas you got from your mother. And while you’re at it, write a bio-vignette capturing the character of this mother of yours. After all, she was your very first relationship!

I just finished reading Saints in Limbo by River Jordan. I was lucky enough to hear her read and talk some about her life and writing this June during the Women’s National Book Association’s annual conference in Nashville. She is a full-blown delight, who talks a mile-a-minute, and you hope she’ll never stop. I can’t put my finger on the exact genre – this book seems to be in a class by itself. So entrancing is her brand of fiction that you want it to be true, and perhaps it is.

                                    RIPE FOR BOOK CLUB PICK

Rare Blend of Mystery, Magic, Metaphor, and Melody

River Jordan has an amazing way of pulling you in and making you believe mysterious, other-worldly `things’ in Saints in Limbo, and I don’t quite know how she does it. (But then that’s the genius of her writing.) I think it sneaks up on you while you’re sleeping, while her captivating characters are playing their tunes and haunting your dreams. Her story is compellingly melodic and a deep look into the heart and soul of human relationships – well, maybe even some not so human…

“Strange what age does to a person. Sets him free of every regular demand and then turns right around and ties him down again in fear.” These words by Jordan are what this book exemplifies, and as we, readers, emerge ourselves in this tale as members of an extended family in Echo, Florida, we all struggle with this perplexing notion. River coaxes us to come `round, too, as she nudges her characters toward enlightenment.

Now who would believe Velma, an old southern woman, can’t venture beyond the length of the colored strings she’s tied to her front porch? But you begin to realize these strings are the ties that bind, her memories. Then Jordan wants you to believe in the magical beauty of transformation as the simple, smooth rock Velma was given by a strange, shape-shifting fellow, who has inexplicable way of appearing out of nowhere and disappearing into thin air at will, glows and pulsates toward self-discovery for everyone in her riveting story…And you do believe. And we know the spirit is set free when we stop hiding from the truth and allowing fear to overwhelm us.

Early on, Velma’s son Rudy, who loves to love women and hasn’t done much more than that with his life, and ultimately realizes he’s never given his mother much supportive thought, says, “Can’t bury the past, Mama. It’ll just keep pushing its way to the surface. You know that. And whatever those things are – scouts, you call `em – well, they’ll just come around trying to dig it up.” In the end, Rudy, understands the veracity of his own words as he teeters between known and unknown spaces and places. And so do we.

Saints in Limbo should be made into a movie. It’s heaven and hell, choice and redemption, growth and stagnation, fear and acceptance, and faith and denial all rolled into one heck of a lyrical ride through the enigmatic power of hope and love, where you’re transported to another place, not another time. This story is for all time.

The Story Woman asks you to become a TellTale Soul by writing memoir, a bio-vignette, about your mother.

Links to River Jordan and Women’s National Book Association

A Spicy Treat: Passion & Emotion in Memoir

Need a great summer read? Look no further. I have another memoir to recommend for your enjoyment written by a friend of mine, Patricia V Davis, who seems to be forever on tour speaking and presenting Harlot’s Sauce: A Memoir of Food, Family, Love, Loss, and Greece all over the country.

You’ll love and identify with Patricia’s insights,  in retrospect, on life, love, cultures, friendships, conscious mothering, running a business in an adopted country, wifely duties, and a domineering mother-in-law, generously spiced with wretched dogs (and their owners), flying cockroaches,  baseball bats, harlot’s sauce, and a no-account woman who smells bad.  As she cavorts through a couple decades, often laughing at herself, you see innocence retreat and a strong, self-reliant woman come into full bloom, holding no grudges and willing to share herself and the sauce with all of us.

The Story Woman reminds you to honor a loved one with a bio-vignette capturing their character.

Link to Patricia V Davis You may also enjoy her website and blog.